I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
