I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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