the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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