I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
