i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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