i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
