I skipped work to stalk him.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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