My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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