my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
only you would photoshop your dick
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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