I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
