i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
