He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
