I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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