I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
