when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
