My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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