She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
