I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i now understand why vodka
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
