sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
