Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
