My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
