Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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