apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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