Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The beer is more important than you right now.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
