just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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