hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
