I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
