you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
