She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
