I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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