Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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