farters have to be the big spoon...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
