My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
