So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
