So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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