Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
