he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
