I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
