I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
His nipple licking is glorious
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