We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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