im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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