I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
