in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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