yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
