he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
