What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
