What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
