Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
