and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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