How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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