Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
