dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
